Next week, thousands of us will be converging on Indianapolis for our favorite consecutive four day period of the year. Sadly, there are countless more of our tribe that won’t be making the trip. Many can’t go because of finances, family obligations, or (like me last year) an unfortunate work schedule.

It sucked.

TLDR: It Sucked

I’m not going  to be so overdramatic as to suggest missing Gen Con ranks among the worst things that have ever happened to me, and that it bears the Seal of Distress Quality™ signifying it contains only the finest quality broken bones and hearts and dreams. It didn’t. Of those disappointments and regrets that deal subdual damage, though, it was at the very least a solo encounter. I missed out on lots of adventures, seeing all my Internets friends and meeting lots of new people, gaming not only my face but my whole torso off, and the chance to stand with my CH brothers as we were recognized for our superior nerdery.

I tried several things last year. One was to sit on Twitter during Drinking D&D. I was sufficiently put off by not being able to go that I decided to mess with people over Twitter to make them think I was there. It didn’t take long before I realized I was simultaneously being not-funny and a-dick, so I stopped doing that (sorry if you were one of the victims of my impotent, pouty rage). Eventually, I decided simply to go dark for the weekend. It was just easier.

I did manage to make it in for the last few hours on Sunday. No gaming was had, save about half a game of Magic while waiting to have dinner with my tribe. However, on the whole, it sucked. I hope I don’t have to repeat that experience.

Bringing Hope To Gamers In Need

For those of you not able to go this year, I find myself at odds with how to bring you solace. Watching everyone else talk about all the cool things going on just depressed me. Therefore, I have decided to go interactive.

Introducing…. the Make-A-Geas Foundation!!!

If you can’t do the stuff you wanted to do this year, maybe I can help. Post a comment detailing the geas you wish to place upon me, and I will perform every last one.

OK, actually that would be completely insane. I know you, Internet. I came of age when you were born. I watched you dance as a baby. I know you would have me do things like obtaining carpet fibers from every floor of every hotel connected to the convention center, grafting them to my face to form the Ultimate Gen Con Beard, or attempting to get Wil Wheaton to say his name backwards so that finally you can control him, or to plank on every table in the Miniatures hall dressed as Drizzt Do’Urden dressed as a member of the US Women’s Gymnastics Team.

NAY.

Instead, I am going to simply pick and choose the Geases I like best.

If you want your Geas to have a better chance of being chosen, please follow these guidelines:

• It can’t cost me money — that is, unless I think it’d be awesome and I can afford it. (Which I probably can’t.)
• I’m not going to wait in line for hours
• I’m NOT going to prison for you bastards
• Funny ideas get +5 Diplomacy
• Ideas that touch my heart, actually help someone, and/or summon the damned stupid onions get +10 Diplomacy
• Ideas accompanied by a donation to the actual Make-A-Wish Foundation get +20 Diplomacy – (Sorry, I can’t cast level 9 spells on my own yet.)

I’m going to shoot for completing 5 Geases, and I’ll announce which those are later this week. I’ll do more if time allows, but it may well be that I don’t finish the ones I set out to do. I’m not actually sure what happens then. Do I get diarrhea or something? Does Pelor garnish my wages? I hope not to find out.

This is either going to be the best idea I’ve had in a long time, or by far the worst. Regardless, it seems like it’ll be fun and I hope I can bring a few of you some Gen Con happiness by acting in your stead. (Forcibly, by magic.)

And now, without further ado, pour your geas on me. In the name of love.